Author: Inaida Sou
Translator: Excited Kei of ChocoCats
A super special thank you to Sephie, Impostor, Lene, Miranda, Haru, Aly, and Toransuretaa for the Ko-fi! Thank you for all of your support and cheers for me! I wish you all healthy and have great day! Also, I hope you nailed your exams, Haru-san! (❤´艸｀❤)
● 1 DAY AGO
(This is Makoto’s POV)
A day before killing Mai. I headed to the amusement park with her. Because I wanted to see the lively Mai properly for the last time. I had various choices such as an aquarium inside the zoo, but I chose the park because the ticket showed a picture that emphasized a space for a couple… or so I thought. Please read this at ChocoCats.
“It’s been a long time since I rode on the bus with Onii-chan, isn’t it?”
We got on the bus that went to the amusement park and sat at the back. Mai sat by the window, and I sat beside her. This way, Mai wouldn’t be able to get off the bus unless I moved.
“Back then when we would go to cram school and middle school, we’d walk, and now you take the train to high school, right? Even if you have somewhere to go, you take the train. So taking the bus once in a while is refreshing, isn’t it?”
I nodded vaguely at Mai’s words. I loosened my grip on her hand, which I had been holding since we left, and began to intertwine our fingers. Mai immediately noticed that I had changed the way we were holding hands.
“…No, it’s nothing…”
As I stared at her, Mai hesitantly intertwined her fingers with mine. I noticed that my heart rate changed just from that, and I chuckled quietly.
“W-why are you laughing?”
“Maybe because the weather is nice?”
“No, definitely not that, right?”
Mai approached me suspiciously. I could even kiss her if I held her face.
But I just lightly brushed the hair supporting the back of her head. Mai laughed as if tickled, then playfully bumped her head against mine.
Cumulonimbus clouds floated in the sky, and it was comfortable without strong sunlight. It felt like the day I went home with Mai last year. I wanted to go back to that time. I wanted to redo it so that she would fall in love with me.
Or maybe it would be better if this moment could last forever.
If the bus could just crash somewhere and we could die together without destroying Mai’s heart, I would be able to stay with her until the end. But I don’t know if that would be a good thing. And the bus stopped in front of the amusement park without any accidents. Please read this at ChocoCats.
Upon arriving at the amusement park, Mai appeared somewhat bewildered. Please read this at ChocoCats.
Personally, I’ve never had the conscious desire to enjoy an amusement park, and although I’ve been to one several times with Mai and her parents, I only saw it as a place where Mai would get excited, as well as her parents and the people around us, and it felt like watching creatures from another world.
So I didn’t understand the feeling of enjoying an amusement park. But after a while, Mai began to enjoy the rides and started pulling my arm happily.
I didn’t find being shaken left and right, being swung back and forth, or being dropped from high places enjoyable or exciting. But watching Mai feel scared, excited, and having fun with those rides made me feel like I was having fun too.
I might have been teaching Mai academics, but through her, I learnt about emotions.
T/N: ;w; dang Makoto is so sweet I’m melting.. I love him sm
When we study, the results are the same no matter who teaches us. But I thought that I would never learn from anyone other than Mai. If I had fallen in love with her earlier, would I have become an ordinary person?
As I dragged her into the darkness, Mai was always smiling, while occasionally looking at me with a worried expression. Although I never thought of wishing for something or wanting to gift anything before, I now wanted to fulfill her wishes.
If she had a wish, I wanted her to tell me. I would make it come true. But if she wished for me to set her free, I would never fulfill that wish. So it would be insincere to obey. However, when I heard Mai’s laughing voice, I wanted to take everything she wished for and grant them to her.
“Mai, it’s almost time to go home, so can I decide which one to ride last?”
As the sun had set and the families with children started to leave the park, I called Mai. She looked straight at me with a determined look and said, “Okay.”
I wanted to treat her gently. I wanted to spoil her. That was what I thought, but at the same time, I wanted to have her all to myself. I wanted to take her everything and indulge in it. Please read this at ChocoCats.
“Then let’s ride the Ferris wheel.”
Saying that I took Mai’s arm.
Fortunately, there was no queue, and while having a casual conversation with Mai, we soon found ourselves at the front of the line. We probed each other’s thoughts with idle conversation, but ultimately, without taking that one last step, we boarded the gondola and sat facing each other. Mai was gazing outside without doing anything, and feeling lonely, I spoke up. Please read this at ChocoCats.
“I just wanted to ride the Ferris wheel with Mai.”
I had already decided from the beginning that we would ride the Ferris wheel last. In an environment where humans were crawling into crowds together, there was no other place where I could be in the same space as Mai. Mai, who had shifted her gaze from the window where the gondola quietly rose, looked surprised as she turned to me.
“No, I just think it’s kind of unexpected.”
“I guess I can’t deny that.”
The gondola shook slightly. When I looked out the window, we were quite far from the ground, and I even had the illusion that we were the only two people in the world. The illuminating light, vaguely mixed with the evening glow, which I had never thought much about before, began to seem irreplaceable.
“…getting into the line to ride something that just climbs up and then down, I can’t understand it.”
Until now, I haven’t had any interest in things that were called entertainment. All that attracted me was the moment a living creature took its last breath. A world where everything continued to be as expected, no matter what you saw or heard, was nothing but pain. In that world, the only faint light was the moment when a living creature lost its life.
Every time I saw overflowing liquid, I relaxed, and the moment when the faint breath of life stopped and fell into emptiness became my eternity.
Even so, everything changed through Mai. It had been changed. One could say it was for the best for other people. But Mai was different. Only Mai, the most important existence in the world, must be sacrificed. It would be Mai alone in an unhappy world. Even though she was the one I wanted to cherish the most.
“That was to enjoy such scenery…”
The passage of time felt intensely hateful. I wished tomorrow would never come. I wanted this moment to last forever, for time to stand still, for me to melt and become the same as Mai. As I wished for something impossible, Mai sat next to me.
“What’s wrong, Mai?”
“Nothing. The scenery here looks better than there.”
“Then, shall we switch seats?”
“No, it’s fine as it is.”
Mai gripped the handrail tightly as if she was enduring something alone, and I desperately fought the urge to reveal everything and hold her tight.
Unable to suppress my overwhelming feelings, I held Mai’s hand. I didn’t want to let go. I wished this moment could last forever. I wished time could stand still. I didn’t want to be apart from her. I wanted to be by her side forever. Please read this at ChocoCats.
As I poured my heart out into prayer while holding her hand, Mai squeezed my hand back.
I wondered if she was returning my feelings. I was afraid I might misunderstand and think she was willing to accept them.
This was surely the last time we would hold hands like this. Tomorrow, I would have to mourn either Mai’s heart or her life.
And it will be because of none other than my own hand.
E/N: (BANGER PARAGRAPHS. this chapter is so good) T/N: IKR TWT
“Mai, why do you look like you are going to cry? Are you scared?”
“Nothing, I’m not scared.”
As I asked Mai if her shaking breath was because of tears, her voice trembled faintly. Despite it being such a simple thing, my overwhelming love for her overflowed.
I didn’t want to make her cry. I love her. If it was Mai, every expression and emotion of hers was precious.
In this world, Mai was the only one who made me feel like there was something to look forward to in the future. I love her. Even though I love her dearly, even though I’m so in love with her that it was unbearable, tomorrow I would have to erase Mai’s existence. I had to erase her.
Even now, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to make this moment with Mai last forever. But I knew she could never accept someone like me. Even though she couldn’t accept or love me, I couldn’t change.
There was no way Mai could love someone like me, who deviated from the norm. I knew that better than anyone else.
And yet, I couldn’t stop loving her. Even though it would make us both unhappy, I love her, I love her so much that it hurts. I love her, no matter what I couldn’t help but love her. Despite that, I had to kill her. Even though I love her dearly, I couldn’t help it. Despite my love for her, still, only when I kill her, could I have her for myself.
T/N: Dang, this part… was hard to convey. Makoto is totally contradicting himself, so that’s why he kept repeating the same sentences. He wants to love, yet wants to kill, but love, but ALSO kill, and never-ending thoughts like that happened in his head. Dang, it’s like my love-hate with Author-sama!!! TwT
Should I tell her that I love her? After all, I would lose her tomorrow anyway.
Even if I thought of that my throat only felt like it was burning and no words came out. Mai leaned closer to the window. I wanted to hold her just like that. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to tell her I loved her. But my hand only held onto hers, motionless. Memories of the time I spent with Mai came to my mind one after another and then disappeared. Mai’s smile, her tears, her slightly angry face, her eyes that were expecting something from me, her laughter, our memories together overflowed and just like that, the feeling of loving her didn’t stop. It wouldn’t stop.
“Let’s come again next year! Together!”
Mai said as if she were mustering her strength. Such a future wouldn’t come. I would destroy it. There would be no next year. And yet, it was painful. Was I smiling properly now? I couldn’t say “yes” even though it would be the right answer. The words wouldn’t come out.
Even though I had lied hundreds and thousands of times before, those three letters wouldn’t come out of my lips. Frustrated, I held onto Mai’s hand tightly, and she did the same, making my chest feel even tighter. Please read this at ChocoCats.
And so, until the end, I couldn’t affirm Mai’s words.
T/N: Hello, Kei the translator of Desuge Imouto just fell into comma from Onii-chan’s yandereness’s overdose
sorry im joking dont kill me for real
This chapter, what makes me fell in love with Makoto.. I decided to translate this novel because of this chapter, yeah, it’s weird isn’t it. I love how both Mai and Makoto wished for the same thing here (refer to chap 41, Mai’s POV of the same day), for the moment to last forever, for tomorrow never come, but their thought process also different. Makoto’s thoughts.. his craziness, his psycho way of thinking, his changing process from tedious and boring world into world full emotions because of Mai, was really conveyed well by Author-sama, and thus I fell in love.
Anyway, see you in the next chapter, and have a great day.
<< Previous | TOC | Next >>
19 thoughts on “Desuge Imouto 46”
Aww… I don’t think he actually wants to kill her. In fact the more he says the words ‘kill Mai’, I become more and more convinced it’s the exact opposite of what he truly wants.
His conflict seems to come from how he’s utterly convinced that Mai will never love him the same way he loves her – so he wants to kill her, because to him that is the second-best option. Something like ‘if he can’t have her heart, he’ll have her life’, because that is all he thinks he can get. Or maybe ‘she won’t be able to fall in love with someone else and eventually leave my side’. Both are probably true.
wow….this chapter hurt me so much and made me love and hate makoto….literally i have no words.
thank you for translating this novel!!!! really, it’s been such a pleasure to read your translation and comments at the end of each chapter. don’t really know how i can convey my gratefulness for you, but really thank you so so so so much.
Thank you for updating! I agree, I love how the author conveys their thought processes and shows how similarly yet differently they both think in the same situation!
Thank you so much for translating 🙂 Your updates are like treasure to me.
I ‘ve been keeping up to date with the manga and was so happy to find out there was a novel attached! I binged it in two days instead of studying for my exams, thank you so much for posting this and working on it for so long! Your translation are really great and I hope you have a wonderful day and such! Plus this chapter, comparing it to Mai thoughts on the same day? Ahhh
Eeeeeee I can see what you mean, TL, this chapter really makes me want to reread this entire novel! It’s so good! Thanks for translating~ ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
Wow, wow, wow! I don’t typically read light novel but ever since I discovered the manga yesterday, I sought this out and devoured this in two days! Thank you so much for translating! I absolutely can’t wait for the next chapter!
This was such a gorgeous chapter! Makoto’s pov are always so interesting and his love for mai makes me fearful for her but also kind of beautiful? Thanks for the chapter♥️
I’ve been visiting your page nearly everyday waiting for the next translated chapter. This series is so good and I am so thankful for your hard work!
thank you so much for the translation. i’m happy that you’re so invested and appreciate the author because i don’t think someone who wasn’t would be able to translate it as well as you do. you make sure makoto’s emotions are so clear to the reader. <3
my favorite chapter for sure!!! thank you for such a sincere, thoughtful, and wellcrafted translation. i loooooove makotos narration here so much. his warring emotions and internalized conflict and passion and despair and possessiveness are conveyed so well by the authors writing. every paragraph really is so delicious. the character developmentttt. im so thankful to be able to read your translation of this amazing novel!! thank u!
Makoto un verdadero deleite, me encanta ver como se siente, muchas gracias
I just found your translation and I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for translating this! I read through your authors note as well and hope you are doing better in life. Take care.
Thanks for all the work you do. I love this story and you’re right both chapters are a perfect reflection of their feelings and personalities. I also like how conflicted he is with his emotions.
I am so amazed by the work you are doing. I wanna thank you for the amazing translating. Please get a Patreon. Work like this should gratified.
awwww makoto is such a sweetheart I love my little yandere .<
A true masterpiece 😍😍>3
Thank you t/n
Hope you remain healthy for another beautiful translation
Waiting till then
Thank you for translating this still I saw you on a different website and switched over to this website when I learned they were stealing it thanks for everything.
YES ITS HERE
Thank you for translating