Author: Inaida Sou
Translator: Kei of ChocoCats
● 253 DAYS AGO
(This is Makoto’s POV)
Every time my sister took a risk, I thought I might see her die next time. When she jumped from the veranda with just a lifeline rope attached, I was expecting it to become extreme as she spun around.
Next time, I might see the time when the rope breaks and her head falls off.
I imagined her arms breaking when I saw her jump with dozens of balloons inflated with an air pump tied on her back, and her body limps because of her arm’s injury.
When she made a rocket from a plastic bottle, put it on her back, and tried to fly over the river, even if she fell into the river and died, I wouldn’t even care.
It’s not that I want her to die, but I want to see her dying figure. Back then, I was thinking about the life and death of my sister with such feelings, but now it seems different.
[Thank you for watching Mai today. You have to take a good rest, too.]
I sigh when I see the message sent by the mother. It’s been two days since Mai was run over by a truck. Even though there were no big injuries and only scratches, there isn’t any indication for Mai to woke up at all.
Usually, I will reply with a sensible response. Even though she is in-law, being moderately liked by this mother has no disadvantages. But somehow, I just replied “alright” and threw my smartphone to the bed.
Outside the window, it’s already dark, and the clock is pointing at midnight. The father is at work and the mother is attending Mai in the hospital. I thought it was better to move fast before the father returned, so I went downstairs.
On the day of the incident, I was expecting it. When the white cat jumped in front of me and tried to pass the intersection, I thought that I would see the moment when it got crushed and messed up.
I was sure the body fluids will overflow, dyeing its furs all at once. The bright red on a white background would look great. I remembered the excitement from deep in my heart boiling up quietly, and I was happy knowing the cat’s existence was going to disappear.
However, it was Mai who was run over.
It’s been three days since then, and now I’m going down the stairs in my house, but the scene at that time doesn’t disappear from my head.
Her back goes straight to the centre of the intersection. My hand that tried to reach Mai cuts the air. Her body, which is hit by a truck and dances in the air, won’t respond even if I call as red flows from her forehead.
Thus, even when I went down the stairs, I remembered that moment, making my legs stop. I shook my head even though I knew it was useless and left the front door.
I couldn’t understand Mai’s actions. But now, I don’t even understand myself. It seems terribly frightening, and I rush towards the garden.
I hate the fact I was hopeless when Mai was hit by the truck. And I didn’t like Mai being run over.
I’m not sure whether I dislike Mai dying or her being run over. The mental pain I felt for the first time is extremely terrifying. I feel like I’ve been transformed unwillingly, it hurts, so hurts, I feel sick.
I desperately reached for the collection hidden under the porch. The sooner I kill everything, the better my chest will feel.
I open the box while thinking so. Inside the box, there were many insects, those who were barely alive while being stabbed by nails, those who tried to overcome hunger by eating each other, and many other insects, desperately trying to stay alive.
Until now, looking at the contents of the box will make my fatigue and troubles washed away. But now I couldn’t calm down at all. The pain also doesn’t stop.
Mai looked towards me just before being hit by a truck. That innocent, naive face of her is etched inside my head and never leaves.
After the fall, even though her face is white as a sheet, the vivid red on her forehead remains forever.
The sound of a loud horn and the moment Mai’s body was slowly being hit as if her flesh and bones were being crushed, kept repeating and eating me away inside.
I want to disperse such thoughts, so I slam my fist toward the box. As my hand slowly got wet, the creatures inside were crushed. Usually, I would feel excited, but every time I lost the excitement, my body got colder, and the memory of when Mai was run over became clearer, I even hallucinated.
This has never happened until now. Incomprehensible. It feels unpleasant. My heart hurts. Will this pain disappear if I crush them until I feel satisfied? I don’t know. I don’t even know when I’ll be satisfied or why my chest hurts. With that feeling, I kept swinging my fist down again and again.
On the next day, Mai quickly recovered. Mai who came back healthy was laughing cheerfully, and although the best response is to treat her gently, I yelled at Mai for the first time with a strange discomfort.
T/N: Hi, long time no see! I’m back healthy even though still need some recovery for my poor weak lungs. But at least I can start translating again! Enjoy!